I would really love to live a little more.

I work too hard to have it all build up to nothing.

Time for something new.

And a really kick ass vacation.

Gin and grapefruit

Go together magnificently!

(Today I'm drinking gin and tonic with grapefruit squeezed in to it!)

Marshall is brewing beer, and I'm pretending to help... but to be honest I am far more interested in my newest craft project right now.

My gin and tonic is so nice and pink

!!

WTF??!

SNOW?!!

gross, I'm ready for some sunshine.

Today was better,

The sun was shining beautifully

and the air was so warm.

Work is killing my spirit...

but I doubt that will ever change.

Surprise in the morning,

and Kittens sometime soon.

And now some cute animals to combat the tears...

I like the panda's best.

Especially the snowy panda's!

I'm going crazy.

So Marshall commented the other day about how I hadn't posted anything lately,

and now here I am:

I have been spending 99% of my time in bed looking at pictures of cute animals, 

and the other 1% eating greasy breakfast food. 

He said I could get a cat, so that has also taken up a good amount of my cute animal searches.

It's amazing how fervently I've been avoiding people, 

for example, Robbie (my roommate) has his girlfriend visiting, and because I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone, go to my room and sleep. Today, I literally left my room once to take a shower, and then get back in bed until somewhere around 9:30 pm and then left for the Hurricane Cafe where I ate greasy breakfast food and spoke to no one except the waitress. Given that yesterday after I got home from work, I walked in to the living room, where I stood there awkwardly and said all of two words and went  promptly to my room and waited for Marshall to get home. Around 6 we left to go see the play Memphis at the 5th AVE Theatre, where two of my coworkers were also, and I only said probably a total of 5 sentences to them... collectively. I honestly can not bring myself to care, or even try to initiate any kind of conversation with anyone except for Marshall and Emma. It's so strange. Even on this thing, I haven't been able to say much because nothing is coming out right. My brain is so scrambled. 

I called my therapist yesterday which was really weird, (I missed our meeting last week because I slept through it) I left her this long ass message and said absolutely nothing. 

I'm getting dumber 

and fatter.

God I am so filled with self-loathing, it's just amazing, And So So debilitating. 

I really want to be able to talk to people, but every time I do I just start crying.

I was awake all of last night, sobbing, for no apparent reason.

And Poor Marshall doesn't have the slightest clue what to do, I mean, who the fuck would?

I know I sure as hell don't, which is making this whole thing even harder. 

I've got all kinds of plans for tomorrow, but the only thing I really want to do is maybe just go to the Chai House and spend the day staring at people.

The one and only good thing that's come of this is I've gotten much meaner, like to disgusting men on the street, who somehow think hollering at me is going to get my attention. 

god,

such fucking pigs. 

I am so unbelievably poor too, but that is neither here nor there...

I am however exploring the idea of getting my own apartment, 

that way I won't have to deal with anyone, though I am slightly worried that that may be a terrible idea... I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be left alone in this state.

I'm also having a lot of trouble trying to figure out why NO ONE likes me.

really.... It is fucking ridiculous.

Are they all aware that I'm just putting up a wall, because I can't be honest about how I'm feeling with anyone except for Marshall maybe 60% of the time? But I mean really, I don't get it... My coworkers never invite me to do anything, except Chris once because he saw me on the street, but now he thinks I'm weird I'm pretty sure. 

And Lance, no longer talks to me, except for when I go buy coffee from him.

Is my personality just too abrasive? Am I annoying? I'm pretty sure I must be really annoying.

All of this rejection has made me so fucking unsure of myself, 

and just so goddamn weird.

I feel completely disconnected from humanity,

and just so unbelievably depressed. 

Literally the only people who talk to me when they don't need to are, Marshall, Emma, Robbie (if I ever gave him a chance to that is), Jason the bartender at my work (who I suspect only talks to me because he can tell how self-conscious and pathetic I am) , and um......

that's it.

Yeah, I'm about to lose my fucking mind and become a crazy cat lady because I can't pretend anymore. 

After re-reading this, I am even more certain of my pending doom...

I can't write worth shit. My use of language is terrible and my grammar is disgusting.

Another big fear I have is this wedding I'm going to on Saturday,

I mean I really can't talk to people and that's all I will be doing the whole time!

Fuck.

I really can't go. I mean really, really can't. 

I am terrified.

and now I'm going to start crying just thinking about it.

Jesus I am such a fucking mess.