Since my last post, Marshall and I broke up,
A lot of growing needs to be done in order to repair what happened,
assuming repair is the direction we're headed.
(I'm beginning to think not.)
Weeks of crying, loneliness, heartache and loss seem to be paying off.
I am starting to feel human again, in large part because I'm really trying to love myself.
I never sleep at the house anymore, well, rarely, tonight being one of those rare occasions.
Being at the house is pretty much a huge let down, everyone goes to bed early when I'm home,
and I am left to my own devices, which gives me far too much time for thinking.
But on the super bright side of things,
I've found the place I'm moving to!
On the 20th a really fantastic fellow called Nathan and I are moving to a darling little apartment just a few minutes from work. (A 12 minute walk from the apartment to Red Star!!) I am so excited I can hardly contain myself.
Life has been pretty fun since I've been single, I've been putting myself out there and meeting people, going out, attempting to make friends (I am way too shy for that shit). I've started making jewelry, which is rewarding, and on Monday I'm headed to SanFrancisco to meet Calvin, my birthfather. ( As a direct result of my broken heart, I decided it was time for a vacation)
I am however sufficiently stressed out for these reasons:
Well, I'm moving out, which makes the breakup very real.
I am VERY short on cash, I spent all my money on Christmas presents, which has left me in a bad spot. I need to have 400 dollars saved up by the 20th of this month to pay for my apartment, as well as pay $250 to Mark for rent, which I think I might just skip since I am never here anyhow, but that is basically what I make every month, so any money I'd hoped to spend in SanFrancisco is nonexistent.
Also, I'm really stressed out about meeting Calvin, I had planned on going down there with Marshall, but I don't have him now, so I'll be doing this on my own, which is great and exciting, but a lot more intense.
Also, I haven't told my parents that I'm going to meet him. I feel really guilty when I don't tell them about big things like this, but every time any adoption talk comes up they get upset. (Which I totally don't blame, they feel replaced and that's understandable, but not the case at all.) So I'm trying to save them a little hurt, and keep this one to myself.
My parents are also totally against my moving out, which doesn't make any sense to me,
but I figure I'll keep it down to one major shock at a time. (another reason for my stress)
Work is pretty boring, I haven't been making much for tips at all, and my hours are dwindling.
But my god, I am staying busy.
And I am So So SO, excited about life again. finally!
I've got things to look forward to, and risks to take.
Life is new and exciting again,
and I feel like I'm headed in the right direction for all the right reasons.
I am doing things for me this time around and as it turns out,
doing the things that make me happy is immensely rewarding.
It feels good to appreciate who I am and recognize what I can do on my own.
I'm not some broken, desperate woman, who needs a man to care for me
and I am so glad to know that.
I'm loving my independence and absolutely embracing life.
This is an opportunity for growth that I am taking head on.
I am growing, learning, and loving myself.
I suggest you try the same, because god damn it feels great.
