Oh my how things change:

Since my last post, Marshall and I broke up,

A lot of growing needs to be done in order to repair what happened,

assuming repair is the direction we're headed.

(I'm beginning to think not.)

Weeks of crying, loneliness, heartache and loss seem to be paying off.

I am starting to feel human again, in large part because I'm really trying to love myself.

I never sleep at the house anymore, well, rarely, tonight being one of those rare occasions.

Being at the house is pretty much a huge let down, everyone goes to bed early when I'm home,

and I am left to my own devices, which gives me far too much time for thinking.

But on the super bright side of things,

I've found the place I'm moving to!

On the 20th a really fantastic fellow called Nathan and I are moving to a darling little apartment just a few minutes from work. (A 12 minute walk from the apartment to Red Star!!) I am so excited I can hardly contain myself.

Life has been pretty fun since I've been single, I've been putting myself out there and meeting people, going out, attempting to make friends (I am way too shy for that shit). I've started making jewelry, which is rewarding, and on Monday I'm headed to SanFrancisco to meet Calvin, my birthfather. ( As a direct result of my broken heart, I decided it was time for a vacation)

I am however sufficiently stressed out for these reasons:

Well, I'm moving out, which makes the breakup very real.

I am VERY short on cash, I spent all my money on Christmas presents, which has left me in a bad spot. I need to have 400 dollars saved up by the 20th of this month to pay for my apartment, as well as pay $250 to Mark for rent, which I think I might just skip since I am never here anyhow, but that is basically what I make every month, so any money I'd hoped to spend in SanFrancisco is nonexistent.

Also, I'm really stressed out about meeting Calvin, I had planned on going down there with Marshall, but I don't have him now, so I'll be doing this on my own, which is great and exciting, but a lot more intense.

Also, I haven't told my parents that I'm going to meet him. I feel really guilty when I don't tell them about big things like this, but every time any adoption talk comes up they get upset. (Which I totally don't blame, they feel replaced and that's understandable, but not the case at all.) So I'm trying to save them a little hurt, and keep this one to myself.

My parents are also totally against my moving out, which doesn't make any sense to me,

but I figure I'll keep it down to one major shock at a time. (another reason for my stress)

Work is pretty boring, I haven't been making much for tips at all, and my hours are dwindling.

But my god, I am staying busy.

And I am So So SO, excited about life again. finally!

I've got things to look forward to, and risks to take.

Life is new and exciting again,

and I feel like I'm headed in the right direction for all the right reasons.

I am doing things for me this time around and as it turns out,

doing the things that make me happy is immensely rewarding.

It feels good to appreciate who I am and recognize what I can do on my own.

I'm not some broken, desperate woman, who needs a man to care for me

and I am so glad to know that.

I'm loving my independence and absolutely embracing life.

This is an opportunity for growth that I am taking head on.

I am growing, learning, and loving myself.

I suggest you try the same, because god damn it feels great.

My mind wanders

I ask a lot of questions and I think too much, I think.

hah right? I was making music there for a moment, but everything crashed and burned

and now I'm alone here with my thoughts that I can't set down any where.

carrying around burdens is a terrible lonely idea,

spewing out burdens is a terrible lonely idea.

I'll be selfless instead. Yay me: on the path to righteousness

Righteousness

Pathetic and lonely is worse than anything,

It's my destiny!!

I might not be a crazy cat lady though,

too much responsibility.

Don't forget to wallow in your sorrows on your way out,

Broken-hearted love songs and a bottle of red wine will really help.

Back for more...

Long nights spent alone reading with a beer in hand...(the whole time)

Soft music

and longing.

Dear World,

I want to be a part of you. I want to be everywhere else and I want to be freeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I want to feel. I want to learn, and I want to remember what I'm doing here.

Oh World, I miss you, where'd you go?

Read books,

by Bukowski.

That dirty old man

And now that everyone's updated:

I've been reading a lot lately. But the only books I find myself picking up are the ones I've already read. Books from high school mainly, because I so long for a feeling of nostalgia, I guess because I need something familiar to cling to. I'm really quite lonely since my only friends are now Marshall and Adam, so I keep on rereading what I've already read, and I think I'll continue to do so until I make some friends or find some direction. (Wow! that was quite a sentence.) I've lost all my direction, and I keep on trying to find a new one. Hopefully it will pan out, because a leaf with no branch is left to wither, and I'm just not ready to wither.

I think the second worst thing of all of this is that my parents were so proud of me.

My dad mainly, He was so fucking proud of me and I felt like I was really where I was supposed to be, and now I don't have any immediate goals.

My confidence is lost and now I have nothing of value to say or contribute.

I loved feeling needed and useful, I loved feeling appreciated and valued.

But life goes on I suppose, just now everything is a little more dull,

a little more sad, and a lot more empty.

Dear blog world, I'm back to say hello...

Paul left for the Dominican republic today

& now we're all sad.

But I suppose the sadness should be explained,

So I'll start from the very beginning.

August 23, 2009 I moved to Portland, followed by Marshall a few short days later.

Our decision to move here was very sudden, after only 3 months in our brand new, super fantastic one bedroom apartment on Capitol Hill. (All wood floors, dishwasher, and washer/drier within walking distance from my job at Sazerac. Beautiful really. Very Clean.)

Mark and Adam (who is affectionately known as "Miller" by everyone else in our house) came to visit us from Portland towards the end of July. They noted that they had an extra room in there house and we should move in with them. Marshall and my response was sort of a half laugh, like "Oh wouldn't that be great, all the Nebraskan's back together..." Their response was a serious sort of "No, really. You should" Marshall and I thought on it for a minute, and decided that there is still plenty of time for us to totally screw up our lives, so why not?! After a lot of phone calls on my part asking "Are you guys really, really sure you want us to move in with you? I don't want to intrude.." And Marshall telling me to stop being so annoying about it (In a much more polite manner, as Marshall is, really quite a polite sort of fellow) We did it. We quit our jobs, and everything, I mean EVERYTHING fell into place beautifully... really. The main reason for my deciding to move was because Mark and I were to open a coffee shop. I was essentially running the show as I am the only one who is well versed in coffee culture. I bought books on running your own business, coffee stand etc. I read articles online, and visited many sites and really had the business plan nailed down. Sadly, life seldom works the way we plan. (Or is it sadly? I'm still not really sure. I am certain fate has something else in store for me, I only hope it's just as good.) So anyhow, I forgot to mention the two others living in the house Erin and Paul. They were the other couple. They were together for the last five years and we all kind of assumed that they would get married. Or at least that was my assumption, which was drastically incorrect.

Marshall and I moved here and were having the time of our lives for the last [nearly] month, getting ready to open our coffee shop in two weeks, both of us working and spending all of our time at home, with our 4 fantastic roommates and 3 cats, when everything changed.

The first bomb dropped about a week ago. Erin and Paul had broken up. Erin was going to move out and Marshall and I were going to get the master bedroom, which was sort of cool, but not really. We were all a little bummed out, but not really. Then the second bomb dropped,

Not five days after Paul and Erin broke up after 5 years together, Mark told Paul that he and Erin were together and there was nothing he could do about it.

I wish I could properly explain how we all viewed Mark prior to this moment, but unless you knew the guy my words would not do our misguided views justice. To sum it up I saw Mark as an upstanding vision of morality. Wrong again. Now plenty of people start interjecting at this point, "But he's only human!", "People make mistakes, why can't you just forgive him?". This is where even more back story is needed. Paul considered Mark to be his brother, his best friend and the only person in the world that no matter what, he could count on. Maybe all these years of friendship and helping one another made Mark think Paul owed him something, why not the woman he loved?

I'll tell you why not! Because it is simply something that you just do not do. You just don't. And the way they went about it was all wrong too! A whole new story for you...

Adam and I spent the evening playing cards, as we often do. Drinking beers as we often do. We had both run out of cigarettes and decided it was time to go for a walk to the store to grab some. As we were leaving, Mark and Paul were in the living room having what looked to us like a serious talk, and Mark asked if they could "Get some air"... So we left assuming the talk was over finances and continued on our merry way. Well, when we returned from the store, we found an extremely distraught Paul pacing the house, very, very angrily. What you should understand about Paul is that he does not get angry, sad upset, overly excited or really even excited at all, and he told us. "Well, I guess This needs to get out in the open, Mark and Erin are together, and I'm leaving for the Dominican Republic." Paul had to tell us. Not Mark, certainly not that weak, desperate bitch Erin (who might I add was sleeping soundly with Mark as Paul dropped this bomb). Cowards. Absolute cowards. Paul was in the worst state either of us had ever seen him in. (Marshall was asleep for this whole thing, so he was spared the shock until morning) Adam and I sat up with Paul, talking while he relived every moment, asking us over and over what he did to deserve this, recounting everything he had done in the relationship he saw as wrong. You can't console someone who just found out that his best friend, his brother has been sleeping with his girlfriend for god knows how long. You simply can not. So we started looking up plane tickets and that morning, as I was finally falling asleep, Paul said, "I'm going up to Mount Hood until I can get a plane the fuck away from here." I promised Paul that I could no longer live in the house with, who we now refer to as "The Snake and The Slut" and needless to say not going into business with "The Snake". That was my dream too. Opening my own coffee shop, which of course is still in the cards, but now the opportunity as I had seen it is gone. Our sole investor ("The Snake's" dad) is obviously not going to be investing 50some-thousand dollars in me alone, so here we are back to square one.

Life sort of sucks, but as I kept on telling Paul,

"This, is an opportunity for growth. Use it."