Happy Craptober.

I wish, with

absolutely everything inside of me,

that all winter could be spent curled up in bed with some great books, lots of blankets,

and an endless cup of tea.

There is always too much to do.

The cold can suck a fat one.

Hello again, old Friend

Back on the blogging circut.
Back in Seattle.
And no longer living at my parents again!
Freshly unemployed with a growing sense of wild.
Far less inhibited by the constraints of normalcy
(I just dont give a fuck anymore)
And Sneaky Paws is still a wild 'n crazy kid

I am madly in love with
the idea of sitting quietly sipping coffee and reading books,
in a well lit kitchen on a beautiful spring day.
hanging plants and dusty sunbeams shining through the window.
uttering only a few words, smiling and occasionally gazing...
a record playing softly in the background. Something nice, Billy Holliday perhaps?
bare feet tapping and chirping birds.
brilliant bouquets,
the sweet scent of freshly ground ethiopian eurgacheffe.
crisp white t-shirts, a purring kitten,
...love like i haven't felt in quite a while,
only a little better.

Catharsis v melodrama

I need art.

I crave art.

I think about these beautiful, horrible and honest creations all day long

and my earnest desire to tell the truth will forever be my burden.

A mind that wont rest, perhaps until it has all been put on paper.

A mind that may never rest regardless of what I do with these memories,

but I know that I must if only for an inkling of hope.

perhaps a bit of both।
but it's wild how things work....

Breathe easy honey,

All those secrets I've held on to for so many years are about to be reality.
Years of repression all brought to the surface, and all the things that make me feel weird inside,
make me feel weird outside now, too.
Opening up is terrifying. I hate to be pitied and I don't want attention
but it's too late to think like that, so here I am, vulnerable as ever and ready to move on.
maybe I'll be a functional member of society soon.



I can't wait to be back in Portland...

I'ma spell it out for ya now...

The embers in your eyes burn red with those sparkling bits of copper
and I am drawn to you
I want to tell you everything.
I want to know everything even more.

Oh my how things change:

Since my last post, Marshall and I broke up,

A lot of growing needs to be done in order to repair what happened,

assuming repair is the direction we're headed.

(I'm beginning to think not.)

Weeks of crying, loneliness, heartache and loss seem to be paying off.

I am starting to feel human again, in large part because I'm really trying to love myself.

I never sleep at the house anymore, well, rarely, tonight being one of those rare occasions.

Being at the house is pretty much a huge let down, everyone goes to bed early when I'm home,

and I am left to my own devices, which gives me far too much time for thinking.

But on the super bright side of things,

I've found the place I'm moving to!

On the 20th a really fantastic fellow called Nathan and I are moving to a darling little apartment just a few minutes from work. (A 12 minute walk from the apartment to Red Star!!) I am so excited I can hardly contain myself.

Life has been pretty fun since I've been single, I've been putting myself out there and meeting people, going out, attempting to make friends (I am way too shy for that shit). I've started making jewelry, which is rewarding, and on Monday I'm headed to SanFrancisco to meet Calvin, my birthfather. ( As a direct result of my broken heart, I decided it was time for a vacation)

I am however sufficiently stressed out for these reasons:

Well, I'm moving out, which makes the breakup very real.

I am VERY short on cash, I spent all my money on Christmas presents, which has left me in a bad spot. I need to have 400 dollars saved up by the 20th of this month to pay for my apartment, as well as pay $250 to Mark for rent, which I think I might just skip since I am never here anyhow, but that is basically what I make every month, so any money I'd hoped to spend in SanFrancisco is nonexistent.

Also, I'm really stressed out about meeting Calvin, I had planned on going down there with Marshall, but I don't have him now, so I'll be doing this on my own, which is great and exciting, but a lot more intense.

Also, I haven't told my parents that I'm going to meet him. I feel really guilty when I don't tell them about big things like this, but every time any adoption talk comes up they get upset. (Which I totally don't blame, they feel replaced and that's understandable, but not the case at all.) So I'm trying to save them a little hurt, and keep this one to myself.

My parents are also totally against my moving out, which doesn't make any sense to me,

but I figure I'll keep it down to one major shock at a time. (another reason for my stress)

Work is pretty boring, I haven't been making much for tips at all, and my hours are dwindling.

But my god, I am staying busy.

And I am So So SO, excited about life again. finally!

I've got things to look forward to, and risks to take.

Life is new and exciting again,

and I feel like I'm headed in the right direction for all the right reasons.

I am doing things for me this time around and as it turns out,

doing the things that make me happy is immensely rewarding.

It feels good to appreciate who I am and recognize what I can do on my own.

I'm not some broken, desperate woman, who needs a man to care for me

and I am so glad to know that.

I'm loving my independence and absolutely embracing life.

This is an opportunity for growth that I am taking head on.

I am growing, learning, and loving myself.

I suggest you try the same, because god damn it feels great.